Excerpt from Poutine on the Orient Express: An Irreverent Look at Travel

The excerpt

Our travels often take us kicking and screaming into museums, many of which feature modern art.

Is modern art art? Hrmph! Who decides?

I visited the Art Gallery of Ontario (AGO) recently. I noticed a weird item- an old washroom sink hanging on a wall. A name plate read something like “Old Sink Connected to a Wall. “On loan from Henry and Faye Rosenberg.”

I turned to Shoshana, my artist wife, and  queried intelligently “Huh?”

Shoshana replied, “This is called an ‘installation.’ Modern art can be different from the traditional art.”

No kidding. Art to me are paintings, which you can identify. And these I noticed usually fall into three themes.

Firstly, the gory scenes. depicting gruesome and hideous subjects. The titles of these are often something like Messenger’s Head on a Spear. The expression “don’t shoot the messenger” usually did not gain much favour in the Middle Ages.

This theme often includes works of the crucifixion of Jesus- with or without the accompanying thieves. If a medieval artist ever ran into artist’s block, he could always count on jump-starting his artistic juices by commencing a crucifixion painting.

The second prevalent theme is the portrait. There would be a group picture, such as Rembrandt’s Night Watch, depicting a dozen or so nobles in their formal attire who look as though they were forced to pose for six weeks without a break.

Or you find that solo portrait. You know. Most common is that guy in France who wears a Louis XIV wig down to his derrière. The title will read, The Duke de Beaufort du Château de la Caserne à Montagnac, 1678.

No clue who this gentleman was, but we know he felt he was important. To me this is art. It looks like what it is. .

You also frequently see a female counterpart to the duke, namely that lady with the short brown curly hair wearing a black dress and a pearl necklace and sporting the pinkest cheeks ever. Her name is usually Madame de la Tournadière du Saint-Esprit. The Madame was the generally the duke’s mistress. She could be no one else. I know my art.

The third theme is the landscape- that beautiful autumn scene which is called A Beautiful Autumn Scene. This group also includes something like a bowl of fruit.

Usually there is a combo of the portrait and the landscape. You’ll find a painting called The Duke de Beaufort du Château de la Caserne à Montagnac Eating a Peach, 1670, whereby a gentleman is eating a peach.

Some art connoisseurs will make the connection between the peach and Madame de la Tournadière du Saint-Esprit. This view is often inspired by the sequels of the Madame in the nude. I for one see the connection. Nice.

To me this is art. I see it, and I can stroke my virtual beard and say “Hmm.”

Enter modern art.

If I see a blob or blotch or a piece of junk in a museum, no way I’ll ever accept that as art.

Take that sink hanging on the wall. I actually think that it was brilliant. Not art, just brilliant.

Henry and Faye Rosenberg likely wanted to get rid of an old washroom sink.  Maybe their garbage service charged a fee to remove large items of this type. They called the museum and sold them the idea of displaying this “work of art”. Of course, to whet the museum’s appetite, Henry Rosenberg said, “I cannot donate it to the AGO. Eventually it goes to the Louvre. But I would be happy to lend it to you.”

The museum grabbed the bait.  I’ll bet you dollars to paintbrushes that Henry and Faye never ask the AGO to return it. I can just see the situation two years from now when the museum writes to the Rosenbergs:

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Rosenberg:

We have thoroughly enjoyed displaying Old Sink Connected to a Wall. As we are redoing our museum in preparation for a Group of Seven exhibition, would you kindly retrieve your work by the end of the month.

Germaine C. Johanssen, Curator

 

I can just see the Rosenbergs chatting:

“I told you, Henry, sooner or later they’ll want to give it back to us.”

“Don’t worry, Faye, I’ll think of something … Ah ha!”

Henry then fires off a letter to the AGO:

Dear Ms. Johanssen,

Please hold onto the sink. It should fit well with your upcoming exhibit. Did you know that Frank Varley and Arthur Lismer, eminent Group of Seven alumni, used this type of sink at their cottage near Sault Ste. Marie between 1914 and 1923? In fact, we also have a toilet similar to the type they used that we can also lend you.

Please advise.

Henry and Faye Rosenberg

Done deal!

And what about those blobs and blotches? At least the Rosenbergs are calling a sink a sink. How does Picasso get away calling a thing with an assortment of geographical patterns something like The Wife of the Mayor of San Sebastián?

And  sculptor Henry Moore has a series of works consisting of several pieces of  stones piled on top of one another. One of these  in front of a bank building in Montreal is called Woman Reclining in Three Pieces.

I have studied that one and, sorry to say, I cannot tell the gender of that sculpture. If that’s a woman, Henry Moore’s ophthalmologist failed him miserably.

Then you have the modern art that looks recognizable but makes you look like a dunce if you render your opinion about what you think it is. Like Belgian artist René Magritte. He has a painting of a large smoker’s pipe on a table. You and I would say, “Hey, a pipe.”

Wrong. The caption reads, This Is Not a Pipe. That’s what the painting is called: This Is Not a Pipe.

Then he has one of a giant apple. If you say, “Hey, an apple,” you’ll be laughed out of your palette. The caption reads, This Is Not an Apple.

I challenge any member of the human race to tell me what in Van Gogh’s name those objects can be other than a pipe and an apple. Probably if Magritte had ever visited that Henry Moore sculpture in Montreal and had been asked what he saw, he likely would have answered, “This is not a woman reclining in three pieces.” And he would have been right.

I give up trying to understand modern art. I have, however, learned one thing. If I ever get stuck trying to get rid of an old fridge or a beat up gas barbecue, I’ll just have my artist wife nail a piece of plywood to the back of it and we’ll call the Art Gallery of Ontario for a pick up.

Now you are all set to visit the world’s greatest museums, being as expert a connoisseur as anybody.

End of excerpt

Poutine on the Orient Express: An Irreverent Look at Travel, is available in eBook and paper versions on Amazon, Apple books etc., and wherever books are sold.  Please click on books page  to check out links for some of these sources..